


Misery Never Goes Out Of Style

by Cat__nevermind



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bisexual Male Character, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Gay Male Character, Hurt, Jalex - Freeform, Love, M/M, Mentioned Selfharm, Sad, i dunno
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-01-21 13:41:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12458955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat__nevermind/pseuds/Cat__nevermind
Summary: I see you sometimes in dreams I have...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's just the result of seeing ATL and Creeper live...

He wakes up because of loud voices on the street in front of his house and immediately feels the urge to get up and run over to the window. It takes him a few seconds to realize that it's not _him_ , it can't be _him_ , and by the time he does, his hands already clench around the cold wooden frame.

The faceless people down there seem so unfamiliar, it makes his stomach twist and his heart sting in pain. It used to be _him_ , had always been.

Alex closes his eyes and tries to breathe, tries to ignore the stupid disappointment that creeps up on him. It's no use though and maybe he deserves to feel like this, maybe it's his fault after all. The memories aren't welcome and he hates it, hates it so fucking much. But _he_ doesn't love him anymore, and maybe it's better this way.

Maybe he's better off like this.

Alex wants them to leave, to stop talking and wandering around the way _they_ used to do it and he definitley wants them to stop tricking his mind. The problem is that even if the kids down there left and he closed the window, even if he pretended that his heart didn't hurt, he would still be missing him. And fuck, he misses him so badly, it's ridiculus.

Before breaking up, Jack had been everything Alex needed, hell, even before dating each other, way back in high school, he had needed him. As a friend, his best friend, his soulmate. It doesn't really matter now, he figures, what's done is done and even though he wishes to rewind everything that happened, it's over.

He fucked up.

Whenever he imagined him and Jack breaking apart, it was always Jack sending him away, because there was no way in hell he could imagine himself not wanting the other man anymore. And he still wants him, needs him desperately - but after ending the fragile realationship they had built, on secret sex and unspoken feelings and so many stupid mistakes, after throwing it all away, it's just pathetic of him to keep holding on. He just can't help it.

Jack doesn't love him anymore, maybe he never did. Who knows, it's not like he had been in any kind of realationship ever before. Maybe Jack is simply not capable of loving Alex the way Alex loves him. It's painfull, but the thought of Jack just being in for the sex isn't even unlikely. Maybe it had been fake since the first day.

Lately, Alex finds himself thinking _maybe_ way to often.

They were fucked up anyway, he tells himself. Jack can't love Alex and Alex can't live with that, the fact that it's just not the way he dreamed it and it's just not how he wants it to be. And Alex sends him away, Jack leaves and that's that. It happens all over again every time he falls asleep.

The problem is that he'd been so sure, Jack wanted it, really wanted _them_. He had been so fucking sure they were in for the same reasons - for each other and for the stupid, stupid love Alex just can't control, can't suppress. Maybe he had been wrong all along.

There it is again, _maybe_. And _maybe_ he feels guilty now, 'cause he just doesn't know. _Maybe_ he just isn't able to live without him anymore, _maybe_ he is going insane and _maybe_ that's a good thing, 'cause he really doesn't think he can bear living like this. It just really doesn't change anything, right?

It scares him that there's no way out for him and it scares him even more that it's all because of him and his fucking temper and how he just couldn't talk, just couldn't listen. It's the one thing in which they differ from each other, the one thing that kept them apart and then broke them, shattered their beautiful little bubble like glass:

Alex needs love and Jack doesn't. Alex needs beautiful bubbles and _maybes_ and all this shit, and Jack just doesn't.

Jack just needs bodies and sweat and affection, yes, but nothing further. Alex guesses it must be easier like this and he tried it, just to be with him, just fucked and never felt, and it tore him apart. He found that living with Jack, but just half of him, was worse than living without him. Now he knows better.

Living without Jack, after having lived with all of him, is way worse.

It has consumed all of his life now, everything just reminds him and makes him hurt, and he really, really doesn't want to hurt anymore. Every street he walks carries a little memory that randomly pops up every now and then. Every corner in his own house just screams his name. Every damn song seems to be about him.

He can't even pick up a guitar anymore, it's pathetic but he just can't find a tune that doesn't remind him of Jack, that doesn't cause a dozen memories floating his mind. Singing is even worse.

But Alex should have known that Jack would take everything with him if he left, the town, the house, the music. After spending your whole life with someone, they simply own all of it just as much as you do. 

And that's what's really scary. Alex can't even remember what living without Jack was like. Since high school they had lived together, had lived the dream they shared. He doesn't know if it's still his dream, he's living. Lately, it just seems like a nightmare. Without Jack in it, the band is just a band and a guitar is just another instrument and he doesn't feel like writing something ever again. 

Technically Jack hasn't left the band. Not yet. Alex doesn't respond to Rian's calls or Zack's texts or literally anyone that tries to contact him, so he doesn't know what's going on. Maybe they're planning on kicking him out instead. At this point, it doesn't bother him at all.

Sometimes he wonders if Jack thinks about him just a much as he does. He wonders if he can't sleep either and if he feels as fucked up as Alex does. He knows Jack and he probably doesn't. He's probably drinking and fucking around and if he feels sad he'll be better in a few weeks, whereas Alex will still be aching and thinking and imagining _maybes_.

It reminds him of how he felt after Tom had passed away. He had left him alone with his misery and a part of him wants to hate him for it, but he knows that it's his own fault he's gone and hate wouldn't fill the emptiness that's left.

Alex doesn't know if he's thinking about Tom or Jack right now.

It's weird, because Jack's not really dead and he shouldn't compare them like this but he can't help it. Jack is just as far away from him as his brother is.

 

At some point he opens his eyes again and stares into the darkness of the night, the scent of alcohol and cigarettes fills his lungs, but the kids and the voices are gone now and Alex sighs as he pulls away from the window.

His phone is blinking on his bed, which seems way too big for just him alone. For a moment he hesitates but then he just grabs the smartphone, unlocks and starts to scroll through the messages, not sure if he really wants to read them.

It's exactly what he expected. And then there's one message from Jack and his heart beats in his chest, fast and way too excited.

_Please call me._

There's nothing else.

Alex grits his teeth together and presses delete.

 

Jack Barakat doesn't love him and it hurts, but Alex is so done with beeing played with.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this kinda happened unplanned and I have no idea where this is going...

Jack is fucked.

There's something ringing and he's pretty sure it's not just his head, but then again he hasn't been sober in days and he could just be hallucinating. He shifts his body a little to mend the weird feeling in his stomach, but doesn't really find a comfortable position to stay in.

Then, slowly, the situation falls into place and Jack can raise his head to find himself on the floor of his bedroom. The ringing is getting kind of intense by now, he fumbles for his phone under his bed and manages to hang up on whoever is trying to disturb him. Not that he is doing anything that actually could be disturbed.

Non-stop drinking, maybe. Drug abuse, as Rian would say. It sounds a little too dramatic for his liking. He's just coping with a bad breakup, nothing unusual.

Ironically, Jack isn't even sure if it is a 'bad' breakup. His experiences in this kind of area are... limited.

The only thing he knows is that there's something hurting him inside and whatever he does, it just doesn't fucking stop. And it sucks, really, because he shouldn't feel like this, he just shouldn't.

They ended it because he didn't feel the right way, and now, all of a sudden, he's _hurting_.

If Alex sent him away because Jack didn't feel, then why, why the fuck is he feeling now? 

It's not fair.

At first he tried to ignore it, the emptiness, the numb feeling in his chest, the strange way his lungs ache when he thinks about him. They had been best friends pretty much since ever, _of course_ Jack would miss Alex, once they'd be apart.

But it just didn't go away, got even worse, and Jack needed to do something about it, because this is not at all what he expected and fuck, this is horrible, it's painful and just not what it's supposed to be.

He's not supposed to be in pain, he's not supposed to hit rock bottom like this. He's just not supposed to fucking feel like this.

Alex was right to send him away. Jack believes that he can't love anyone and Alex knows him well enough to realise he's not an exception to this. And fuck, Alex was right to end it right then, right there.

Jack always knew he would draw the line _somewhere._

The singer had been so hopelessly in love with him, he would let Jack push him wherever he wanted him, kiss him, touch him, fuck him, even though he _knew_ Jack didn't feel the same. And, to be fair, he always felt bad about hurting Alex, always felt guilty because he just couldn't change the way he is.

Jack did love the two of them together, though.

The way Alex's hands felt in his and how he would curl up against his chest when he fell asleep, clench Jack's arm when the nightmares got too bad and how his lips felt on his own.

Fuck, being with Alex was the best feeling in the world.

Better than the bitter drinks and sweet kisses he gets now, better than waking up, covered in his own puke and not remembering anything about the night before. It's really getting pathetic.

Trying not to hurt Alex turned into trying to be the way Alex needed him to be, which turned into pretending and feeling guilty again. Jack sucks at all of this, the whole feelings-stuff, and he knows it. Still, he tried, really tried to not fuck up for once. 

Not that it matters now.

Alex surely hates him, he has to hate him now. Hell, he even hates himself for being too stupid to just fucking fall in love. Just fucking fall in love and not cheat, not destroy everything again.

That's what fucked them up this time.

Jack being Jack and sleeping with a woman he didn't even know and Alex shouting at him and then crying while watching Jack pack his stuff and leave, with a strange and deadly void inside that still slowly creeps up on him and makes him hurt.

 

_"This isn't even about this woman, right?"_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"This isn't about you beeing drunk and horny and an idiot, this isn't about you_ cheating on me _, Jack!_

_This is about the fact that you simply don't love me, right? Am I right?"_

_"Lex, stop..."_

_"No, you can shove your 'Lex' up your ass, just fucking tell me, Jack!"_

_"I don't know, Lex, please..."_

_"Just look me in the eye and tell me you still love me the way I love you."_

 

He wonders if he should have said something, just anything, to at least try to explain. Jack just really isn't good with words, and it would have sounded like a stupid excuse. And Alex deserves so much more, he deserves to love someone who can treat him right, who can love him properly, who's not as useless as Jack. He was determined to let it go, to give Alex a chance to finally turn away from him. 

But the numbness and the pain just didn't go away.

That's when he texted him. He needed to talk, needed to hear Alex's voice and listening to their songs, drowning himself in memories just wasn't enough anymore. He needed to hug him, to kiss him, to feel his body curled up next to him. So he texted him.

And Alex didn't answer.

Jack knows he's probably finally had enough and can't even be angry with him, really. It's just so fucking frustrating. Now that Alex is gone, he feels like he needs him more than ever before. If he had only felt that way when the drunk woman had kissed him and pulled him to her hotel room, he could have stopped it, could have prevented breaking Alex's heart again.

If only Alex knew how he feels now, what a fucking mess Jack is without him.

On the other hand he really doesn't want him to know, because no matter how, Jack's sure that he would fuck it up again. He always fucks things up.

He just wants to fill the hole in his chest, just wants to stop feeling so fucking miserable. And he knows that the only thing that could fix him is Alex.

Alex, who loved him endlessly. Alex, who could sing like an angel and swear like a trooper and who always looked so damn beautiful. Alex, who would drink and throw up and party like there's no tomorrow, but would also cry watching a romannce movie. Alex, on stage, next to Jack in his bunk, with his guitar quietly turning his emotions into music. Just Alex.

Who's heart is broken now because of Jack's inability to be loyal. Who doesn't want him anymore.

In the end, Jack knows that he deserves to be in pain, he deserves to hurt like this, for all the misery he caused Alex.

He's a mess. Honestly, the fact he wanted to be with Jack in the first place is a fucking mystery.

Jack can't stay true and Jack can't love. He wishes he could. He wishes he could have loved Alex truly, deeply, strong enough to stay.

But he fucked up and blew it, just like he always does.

And he knew he would be alone again some day, knew Alex would realize his worth and leave, refuse to put up with him any longer.

He just never thought, he would be the one who has to go.

He just never thought it could hurt so bad.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Alex knows he's watching him.

Rian's eyes don't ever seem to move away, he's observing him, trying to judge how bad it is. He just showed up on his doorstep and even though Alex was tempted to, he couldn't leave him there. Rian never did anything to hurt Alex, so ignoring the fact he actually bothered to look after him would have been nothing but mean.

Now, they've been sitting on the couch for about ten minutes, none of them dares to speak, the tea Alex made is cold in his cup and the anxiety starts to get overwhelming. He clears his throat and stares down at his fingers.

Finally, Rian breaks the silence.

"I'm really worried about you, Lex."

Alex waits for more but apparently Rian is done for now, so he takes a sip and sighs.

"You shouldn't be. I'll be alright."

"Yeah, I know you'll be alright, but I'm worried about you now, Alex. Zack and I, we..."

He cuts himself off, obviously fumbling for words.

"We talked a lot lately. Didn't hear anything from you or Jack and it took us quite a while to actually figure out, what was going on. You didn't answer at all and Jack only called shit-faced and everyone was just freaking out. I didn't know if you would want me here, but I figured that it didn't really matter."

He bites his lip.

"Needed to know you're not... y'know..."

Alex shivers slightly but shakes his head, finally looking up at the other man.

"I'd never, I didn't cut since high school, Ri. I'm not the same person anymore, you know that."

It's not the whole truth. Of course he thought about the relief it would get him, the only coping mechanism he has left, now that his music is gone. But the fear of not being able to stop is much bigger than the wish for the pain. He doesn't _want_ to selfharm, doesn't _like_ cutting and after being addicted once, you think twice before taking the same drug again.

Jack was the only thing that could make him stop back then.

That part is true, he's not the same person anymore. He is strong enough to stop on his own, strong enough to not even start in the first place. It's easy to think like this in the daylight, especially with Rian here. When it's dark and he's alone, Alex doesn't feel so sure about being strong enough to stay sober.

Of course he doesn't tell Rian about that.

"I just needed to be sure you're okay. Wanted to be there for you..."

"I appreciate that."

Alex looks up at Rian's face and the pity in it makes him feel sick.Of course he knows, he always knew. Jack may have been Alex's best friend, but Rian has always been his brother and he always understands the things he leaves unspoken, sometimes even before Alex does.

There's another moment of hesitation but then Alex finally places his cup on the floor and moves over to the other man on his couch who simply pulls him closer against his chest. And Alex presses his face into his shirt, there are tears streaming down his cheaks and he's sobbing helplessly.

"It's alright, Lex, I know it hurts. And as much as I love Jack, he's a fucking asshole for what he did to you."

"I just don't get it, y'know", Alex whispers against the wet cloth.

"I just don't get how something can change so fucking fast and how someone can just disappear like this and how you can still love the person who made all the colours fade from your life."

He feels Rian sigh, feels how all the air leaves his lungs and wishes the pain would leave him as easily as this. Alex closes his eyes and thinks of something beautiful, a burning sunset or the sea at night, he tries to remind himself that Jack can't take it all away. He can't take everything from him, he just can't.

"I wish I knew, Lex", Rian mumbles and Alex believes him, believes that they're both oblivious to the world.

 

 

 

Some nights his nightmares tear him apart.

Usually it's okay by now, technically he knows how to deal with them, but on some nights he just doesn't.

It's one of those nights. Rian only left after hours of talking and hugging and crying. Alex appreciates it, he really does and he even feels a tiny bit better when he lays down on his bed after the drummer left, but as he should probably expect by now, it doesn't last long.

He drifts off into a smooth slumber at first, the pills are helping him sleep, and he feels like floating away dizzily. Then he finds himself trapped in a dream he thinks he will never get rid of, a dark one, the one that leaves you waking up screaming.

He's a scared twelve year old again, hiding under his covers, listening to the sound of the fight downstairs. He wants to get up and see how bad it is, so he won't have to imagine all the worst possibilities anymore.

But as always he's too scared to find them becoming reality and just pulls his pillow over his head to shut them out.

It doesn't work, it never does.

His next impulse us to sneak up to Tom's room.

His bare feet are cold on the wooden tiles and as he pushes the door open the darkness in his brother's room hits him right in the heart.

The bed is untouched and empty.

Tom isn't there.

And Alex remembers that he is alone now, he's not a little boy anymore and he runs down the stairs to scream at his parents that they need to fucking get their shit together. That their son is dead because of all of them and that they fucking need to fix it.

But it's not his parents he finds downstairs, yelling and arguing, it's Jack and a different version of Alex himself.

"This isn't even about this woman, right?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"This isn't about you beeing drunk and horny and an idiot, this isn't about you _cheating on me_ , Jack! This is about the fact that you simply don't love me, right? Am I right?"

"Lex, stop..."

"No, you can shove your 'Lex' up your ass, just fucking tell me, Jack!"

"I don't know, Lex, please..."

"Just look me in the eye and tell me you still love me the way I love you."

Young Alex watches in horror as his older self starts to cry, silent tears staining the floor, and Jack biting his lip until it starts to bleed.

"You need to leave", adult Alex whispers, his voice is shaking.

Jack turns away, his gaze falls upon the teenager at the bottom of the steps and the boy thinks he hears him cry an apology through a broken sob.

Then he's out of the door and Alex stares at himself on the other side of the room, he's falling to his knees, the blade jumping through the skin on his arms.

The boy feels the same pain, the cuts slowly appear on his body, blood streaming down his fingers...

 

 

As Alex wakes up he's crying and hysterically rubbing his arms.

It takes him a good five minutes to realize that the only thing that covers his skin are pale white scars, they're almost invisible now, cleaned and washed away by the time that passed. His heart is beating violently in his chest and Alex tries to exhale the hurt inside of him.

Fuck, he needs him so bad.

Alex hates himself for beeing so fucking dependent and just unable to let go of the past.

Alex hates himself for not getting over it, not getting over anything.

Sometimes he likes to imagine what life would be like if he still had his brother to talk to or at least text when he feels like shit.

He used to do that when they were children, used to sneak up to his room and curl up next to his warm body.Tom always listened to everything Alex had to say, everything he complained about.

It wasn't until he got brutally removed from his life that Alex realized how much he relied on his brother.

Loosing Jack feels like loosing Tom all over again, maybe even worse because he's not a child anymore and just can't seem to cope with it. Or maybe it's actually easier now and he just forgot how horrible it made him feel back then.

And then he wishes that Jack would have just lied, told him he still loved him, loved him at all. Alex wishes he could still be living the lie he apparently lived for the last year, because maybe it would be a lie, yes, but at least he would feel like living.

Rian said he should meet up with him and Zack and try to move on, told him to pick up the guitar and just play, make the aching go away by transforming it into chords and lyrics and tunes.

Just thinking of it makes Alex feel wrong and twisted.

Music is supposed to be what keeps them together, patched them up so many times before. Music isn't supposed to be about Jack hurting him.

Alex would feel like betraying the guitarist if he actually wrote a song about being broken because of him.

He knows it's stupid, but he can't help it.

But then again he also knows that Rian is right, he has to do something. Rian's got that tendency to always be right about what Alex should be doing. And since he knows he wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyways, he just grabs his phone and starts to type.

 

 

Alex wakes up the next morning to find himself with his face resting on his phone.

He wants to grab it to re-read the stuff he wrote down the night before, nothing more, but instead he ends up staring at the screen for several minutes, unable to move or look away.

There's another message from Jack.

 

_I miss you._

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I love Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat both very much and this is just fiction. I'd be very happy if you left some reviews...


End file.
